a vicious love

"Then the lion said -- but I don't know if it spoke -- 'You will have to let me undress you.'I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know -- if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy -- oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off -- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt -- and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me -- I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on -- and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again."

A few weeks ago, we had Carter prayer and praise and during that time, this section of C. S. Lewis' book Voyage of the Dawn Treader, was read, as we discussed the many ways in which God loves us...Growing up, my parents read this book out loud to me, however, I would have never imagined then how much this passage would mean to me now. Later that night, I read over this section of the book again to see what parts I had missed and wrote it down in my journal. This passage is about a boy named Eustice who was turned into a dragon, by Aslan, because of his sin and rebellion. As I reread it to myself, I was reminded of how lately this is how I feel; that God is changing and transforming me through transition and change, through my sin and rebellion, through my lack of trust in him, and through things that sometimes hurt. So many times I catch myself saying "Jesus, why are you hurting me like this? Where are you?" This passage was a perfect reminder that he loves me so much, that at times, my gentle father, has to dig down deep inside of me and tear me down in order to build me up again and make me more like himself. There is so much sin and many struggles in my life, things I'm learning about myself that I'm not particularly proud of, and times when I struggle believing I am truly His child. But through my sin, my struggles, my weakness, he is knocking down my walls, changing my heart, and transforming me into a new creation...as an expression of his love.

We always think of love as this "ooey, gooey, always-feels-good" kind of love. Oh, but what about the tough love? The hurtful love? The vicious love? It doesn't look like Aslan loves Eustice in this passage. Oh, but don't be deceived, he does! In fact, the only way to make him a boy again is to change him from his dragon form. He loves him viciously.

Sure, I'm not a dragon ( and I certainly hope I never am! ) but I saw so much of myself in this passage. I've tried so many times to fix myself; to "peel the beastly stuff off" of myself-the sin and shame, the weakness in me-and yet it isn't until I lay down and let Him tear it away will I be made new.

the best part?
He does this, because he loves me.