hardened hearts.

Lately (and by lately I mean the past several months) I have found myself restless, unsettled, and wrestling with God's grace. I know, I know, I know. I've been covered by His grace, the cross was enough, and He loves me with an everlasting, unbreakable, all-enduring love. But do I really believe that? If I truly understood this beautiful truth, why then, do I insist on earning my salvation? Why do I expect perfection from myself...and even worse, others? Why does this "grace" thing just not sit quite right with me?

I fear that, for children raised in a Christian home, we fail to truly let the rich words and deep truths of God's Word sink into our hearts. I am finding that, my whole life I have proclaimed with my mouth one thing, and lived yet another. God's love and mercy is not dependent on my faithfulness. and yet, isn't this the very reason that we are driven to go on mission trips, give our money to the poor, and get up twenty minutes early to do our quiet times...in a desperate and sometimes hidden plea for his love? I know that we say things like, "I do these things so that God may be honored. I give this so that He will be glorified. I do this because He died on the cross for me." Those are all great things, and at times, yes, those are the true cries of my heart. But more times than not, I am doing these "things," these great works so that people with think I'm good and God might somehow love me more.

and that's where I trade in God's grace for a twisted, distorted, watered-down grace. One in which I am constantly owing Him for my failures and trying to impress him.

What am I thinking? He knows my heart. How can I hide from Him? Wouldn't it be far better to be still and tell him the truth? I don't always love Him. I don't always feel thankful. Very often my heart is marked with pride, greed, and jealousy. I have my selfish ways. I have trouble forgiving others. My heart is hard. I am stubborn and slow to meet with Him.

and even more, doesn't He know this about me already? 

His grace is scandalous. You ask me, "Why?" And I ask you, "How could it not be?" It is completely contingent on what Jesus has already done and there is no correlation between my obedience and God's grace. Are there consequences for my sin? you know it. Do I feel far from Him when I struggle with unbelief? oh yes. Are there times when he chooses for me to cross a difficult path? absolutely. But this is not a result of his lack of grace. If anything, these are often signs of His deep affection and love.

In my opinion, I don't believe that, this side of Heaven, we can ever  fully grasp the far-reaching, always pursuing, passionate love that our Father has for us. I think if we did, our lives would look a lot different. I know that I would be far less concerned with convincing people that I am "good" and far more in love with Him.

The encouraging thing to me is that all this wrestling has come from several months of "feeling" far from the Lord (whatever that means) and yet,  still seeing signs of Him and fruit from Him (in fact, that is about all I could tell you from this summer). This is forcing me to come face to face with grace. I am slowly (and i mean very slowly...) grasping a little bit more of his greatness and my smallness.

nothing in my hands i bring

well hello there! It's been quite a long while since I've stopped by. Let me catch you up.

i'm back, I'm back, I'm baaaaaaaackkk.

 My boxes have landed in Marietta once again for this SUMMER. How excited am I? VERY. However, with this comes a new set of fears, challenges, battles, and lessons. I'd by lying if I said that the past two weeks had been easy. They have been difficult and I'd rather not gloss over this, simply to make each blog post "perfect." I have wrestled and fought with the Lord and constantly been forced to deal with the brokenness of my own heart. These are not the easiest things to deal with, however, I am learning that they are good and beautiful in their own kinda way.

I could go into greater detail about the specific challenges that have come with this summer already, however to save time (and spare your own sanity) I would rather point you to the Word of God, which is feeding my soul right now. I am clinging to Hebrews 3:18, which says, "...Jesus Christ is the SAME yesterday, today, and forevermore." How beautiful it is to REST that Jesus is constant in an uncertain and ever changing world.

I am uncertain what this summer may bring; however I AM certain of one thing: My Lord is always the same! His love for me is steady, his grace for me is constant, and his power is always at work;

 even when I am dry, weak, and unfaithful.

Through the past two weeks, the Lord has been quick to remind me that I am incapable of doing anything without HIM. I will try to earn his love; I will chase the praise and love of others; I will convince myself that I can do this alone; I will believe the lie that I can change hearts...

including my own.

As I start the summer, I am particularly drawn to the words to one of my most favorite hymns. I love the simplicity. I love the way in which the words depict our helplessness and neediness.

I have nothing in my hands to bring this summer. I am clinging to the cross. I am coming to Him naked, begging to be dressed. I am aware of my desperate need to be rescued each day.

He has placed me right where I need to be. 

Rock of Ages: 
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure;
Save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labor of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law’s demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to the cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress;
Helpless look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
When mine eyes shall close in death,
When I soar to worlds unknown,
See Thee on Thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee

broken windows, ugly hearts, and new mercies.

Lately, I have had quite the ugly heart. I'm not quite exactly sure how to explain what that looks like, but I assure you, it isn't very pretty. Each time my heart gets ugly, I find myself tangled up in a spiral of frustration. How I wish I could be perfect, follow through on my good intentions, love and forgive as I have been loved, and please people 'til I could please them no more.

This weekend was quite the opposite. I found myself completely focussed on myself, rather than others; I found my heart bitter and angry, rather than content and joyful; and most of all, I desired to earn God's grace, rather than rest in His finished work.

Every single morning that I have crawled out of bed this week, the Lord has brought the sweet words of Lamentations to my mind. (I know what your thinking, "oh yeah, that verse about mercies and faithfulness and blah blah blah everyone always talks about that one.) But I can't wrap my head around it. In my sin and in my brokenness; in my messes and fears, I am given NEW mercies each time that the sun rises.

"...His mercies never fail. they are NEW each morning."

This past weekend, my heart expressed itself in many different UGLY ways. And because of this, I have tried to do everything I can to FIX the mistakes I have made. I have obsessed, I have apologized, I have tried to be "extra" perfect, (ha, whatever that means!) I have tortured myself, and begged and begged for forgiveness. However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't forgive myself for my harsh words, jealous heart, and lack of trust in the Lord. It wasn't until this verse truly sunk into my heart that I was able to rest. I am incapable of being perfect and I do not have to strive for perfection. WHY? because Jesus was perfect and his mercy is NEW each morning. Yesterday I messed up. Today I messed up. and tomorrow, I am certain I.will.mess.up. But I am not bound to the law, for life in Christ is FREEDOM.

...for this is the gospel. His mercies cover my broken windows and ugly hearts of yesterday and He will continue to supply me with sufficient grace and love for my broken windows and ugly hearts of tomorrow. hallelujah!

retreats are a good thing.

Last weekend, I traveled "home" to Marietta and went with East Cobb's Middle School youth group on their winter retreat. The weekend was full of games, food, fellowship, and Jesus. (some of my most favorite things!) I loved catching up and spending time with these sweet girls that I love and miss so dearly. I enjoyed great conversations, lots of laughter, (plenty of hilarious quotes for my prayer journal) silly faces, playing outside, and praising Jesus. I am TOO EXCITED to be spending another sumer with these dear friends of mine!

Middle school students are my FAVORITE.

This past weekend, I went with Covenant's RUF large group to the RUF conference at Fall Creek Falls. I had such a wonderful time worshiping my King, making new friends, and spending time relaxing and fellowshipping. On Saturday, we hiked to Fall Creek Falls and then spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying the BEAUTIFUL weather. I am

thankful for the sweet friendships I am making with the students at RUF and the

weekend to rest, relax, and enjoy uplifting company.

i laughed more this weekend than I have in a long time.

thankful.

bind my wandering heart to thee.

I always find myself so surprised when the Lord reminds me that I am far from Him. I'm not quite sure why this is always such a surprise to me, because it seems to happen often. I have always been a wanderer and always will be. My mom tells me stories of my brother chasing me down in stores after I trailed off on my own to different aisles. When I was in elementary school, I remember packing up my backpack and setting off down the street because I wanted to "runaway from home." When I was about ten, I wandered away from my dad on an 11-mile bike trail in Tennessee. (after coming across several "bear crossing" signs, I decided that this whole getting lost thing wasn't so fun anymore!) Ten years later, I still find myself running away and wandering from the people (or person) that loves me most and knows me best.

This semester I have been learning more about sin then I'd ever like to. When I was little, I was taught that sin is "doing something wrong." It's lying, or cheating, or stealing. I have found that sin is so much more than just disobeying. Sin doesn't simply attack me at certain moments throughout the day, it destroys my whole being. It causes me to believe that life and fulfillment can be found a part from Jesus, it teaches me to worship the idols of my heart rather than my King, it creates a longing in me to be loved and affirmed by those around me, it transforms me from a courageous child of God to a fearful and needy orphan. So often I find myself blaming other people and circumstances around me for the fear, struggles, or chaos that I come across...when in reality, it is the fruit of my deeply rooted idolatry.

You see the problem is my HEART. My heart has stolen worship from the Lord and placed it upon myself. My heart loves its idles. My heart has replaced the Kingdom of God for the Kingdom of "me." I always tend to see this, however, I immediately seek to fix the problem by cleaning up the outside of myself. I clean myself up, but ignore the rout of my behavior. I want people to think I "have it all together." I want to fool them that I am perfect, even when my heart is a mess of brokenness and sinful desires. I keep convincing myself that somewhere, somehow I have the answer to my constant wandering. I work hard to stay close to the Lord one week, but find myself failing the next. Why am I so prone to chase other things? Because my heart needs changing everyday.

My external attempts to change have nothing to do with my broken, wandering heart. Again and again, I am reminded of the words of my favorite hymn. I am prone to wander. I will always wander. I will chase other things for the rest of my life. because I am made of sin. Because everyday, I am in desperate need of a new heart. A heart that only He can give me.

And that is the GOOD NEWS. My Father is a warrior king. He will not rest while my heart is held captive to other kings. My God is jealous for my heart. And My Lord is the giver of grace. Grace, I believe is the most powerful weapon in the war for my heart. It is by his mercy that I am able to turn from my sin and seek His face. It is by his goodness that I am able to forsake my idols and serve His Kingdom. And it is by his goodness that my wandering heart keeps coming back to Him.

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

"Behold, your Lord has come to you!"

beloved.

One thing is for sure: I want to go home. With a mixture of being in bed sick/missing the people i love most, its been one of those weeks where I have found myself longing to be with those who know me best. There are MANY days that I am thankful that I struggle with being lonely while away at school. (I can hear my mom say "hard things are good things!") There are many hikes and talks, and much growth that would not have happened with my Savior this semester, had I not been forced to run to His open arms. However, even though I recognize this, I often find myself running to other places searching for love and security. Where can I run to find freedom- from my sin; my longing to be loved; my desire for something secure. These are the questions my heart wants to know.

I am His beloved.

So often, I choose to reject Jesus' tender voice. I run from places where I can be alone with Him. And I find that this is the single most important reason that I choose to forget His truth. When we choose to be alone with God--to talk, listen, or just BE in His presence, we are able to sit and listen to the voice that says, "You. you. you, child. You are my beloved!" This is the place where we are most known-the pretty and the ugly; the place where Jesus touches our core and speaks to the deepest part of our being and says, "i know you perfectly and you are my beloved daughter, you are my beloved son." When we are not claiming that those sweet words belong to us, we cannot walk freely in a world of brokenness. I am certain that many of us, myself included, are not free in the way that Jesus intends. we search. we look. we beg. We want love-someone, somewhere to fill us, and satisfy this longing...but we just don't know where. So we live our lives, begging for affirmation and praise. We are far too proud of our success, hoping that others will notice; and we are far too destroyed by our failures, terrified that others will see our weakness. Our identity is not that "we are His beloved," rather our identity is wrapped up in some person or thing that temporarily fills this void; until we have to move on to find another. This world screams, "Impress me. Show me that you are really worthy of love." In the midst of the crowd yelling out to "crucify him" Jesus chose to listen to the voice of His father. He didn't live on earth to impress, people please, or have his followers "like" him. He already knew that He belonged to His Father; and He knew His father was delighted in him. Unlike Jesus, so often my freedom is not rooted in claiming my belovedness. His voice is always whispering, "you don't have to prove anything, you don't have to search or look or wander. You are already mine."

I love that I am His beloved. I love that He loves His people with a never ending-never giving up love. I love that in a world that is full of people seeking praise, love, and attention, the beautiful thing about being His beloved, is that I am already loved; my worth and value are found in Him. It frees me to stop looking for love in all the wrong places.

It frees me to rest that I am loved deeply.