There are so many things constantly pulling at my heart; things that grab my attention and fight for my passion as if they are saying to me "I'm what's most important! Love me the most! Live your life for ME!" grades. family. friends at home. new friendships at Covenant. small group girls. soccer team. roommates. professors. boys. papers and tests. the list goes on.
What is God teaching me; what is on my heart right now, you may ask?
Well, I'm most certainly glad you asked and since you did, (whoever you are! )I would be more than happy to share with you a small piece of it...
If you know me, (which I am assuming you do!) you know that there is rarely five minutes in a day in which I am sitting still. And oh, if only you could dive into my brain for a few moments you'd realize that even when my body is momentarily still, my brain is running fast. I don't like to be still and quite frankly, I'm not very good at it. (which, being the perfectionist I am, is probably the main reason I don't try it very often...because perfectionists strongly dislike failing!) Anyways, the past few weeks, I've really began to realize how much my heart LOVES to constantly worship production. It's been a struggle my whole life, however, as most struggles seem to go, it only get's worse as I grow older. While hard work, and responsibility are both great things, I know that my heart LONGS to define myself based on what I can do, how I get it done...the things that I do each day. Oh how silly this is and how often I find myself miserable, because let's face it, being a perfectionist in a BROKEN world is HARD WORK.
If I'm being honest, the past few weeks I have lacked a constant quiet time. So often, I long to love others, to serve students, to be a good roomate, respect my parents, pray for my enemies...these are all things that I hope to accomplish...BY MYSELF?! I find myself so anxious, so worried, so tense because my heart and mind are not wired to Jesus, they are strung on what I can do. So often, lists of "things to get done" or "things out of my control" are constantly running through my mind, rather than praying to Jesus throughout the day. I wake up, scrambling to cross things off my lists, rather than thanking the Lord for a new day and laying my fears and worries at His feet. If I'm not trying to get things done, i'm worrying and finding myself so anxious about certain things going on in my life. I fall asleep, only when my restless mind finally shuts down and allows my weary body to rest...only to wake up the next day to continue the cycle.
I can't even begin to tell you how many times ( and if I did try to explain, you probably wouldn't believe me.) the past few weeks that the Lord has been telling me to STOP working and let Him carry my burdens. me: "I'm sorry, Jesus, but there is no way that I can stop what I'm doing to meet with you...I've got to keep working!" Several times, I became so frustrated (because I KNOW that I am wrong and He is right.) with myself and my lack of my production and trust in Him, that I did stop and fall at the feet of Jesus. But even then, it was such a battle to truly stop and focus my heart and mind on him. As I read my Bible, my feet were constantly moving, ready to quit reading and get back to work. And as I prayed, every fiber of my being longed to "hit the road" and screamed back at me to "get up and get to work!"
I know that this isn't new news. I know that you struggle with this too. and I know that I've struggled with this my whole life and I probably will continue. However, I know that I have to rely on God to overcome these idles that I constantly long to serve. School has always been hard for me and as a result, in my frustration I make grades an idle and long to define myself by overcoming my struggle with school. However, as Lindsay reminded me this week, God is a god of process not result. And the best part is, I can rest in what He's done for me, not what I can do for Him.
Twice the Holy Spirit lead me to the passage of Mary and Martha (once through a school assignment and once while reading a devotional) in Luke 10. Such a beautiful reminder of who I am...constantly anxious and worried about what I can do. And yet, as much as I love being a hard worker, I do desire to be so much more life Mary...able to realize what's lasting and what isn't; and as a result, putting aside the things of the world to sit as Jesus' feet and cling to His every word. I'm beginning to realize that Jesus isn't glorified in my "All As" if they are for ME. If I've neglected to love those around me and love the Lord more than anything, then my good grades are for my glory. And I want them to be for Him. I want the things I do...the people I laugh with, the runs I take, the crafts I make, the school work I turn in, to all be expressions of my love for Him. As if to say "Jesus, I'm doing this, because I LOVE YOU!"
Luke 10:38-42
"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
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