As most of you know, at the beginning of July, my boyfriend Ben, and I broke up. For those of you who don't know, Ben and I met while working at the EDGE (a junior high church camp at Covenant College.) last summer. Ben lives in Memphis, and over the past year he had become someone that I really grew to respect, look up to, and care about. For the past year, he was my best friend...and that was what I loved most about us; the friendship we had with one another, and the love we had for each other as brother and sister in the body of Christ. I only write about this, because I know that it will be a big part of trusting God as I transition into college life, and I LOVE what God has taught me, as I have really struggled through this breakup. It has been so amazing to see God's restoration and healing for my heart and life through this time...I've never known Jesus as my healer and I've never seen His strength in such a real and loving way in my life before. I will be honest, the first few weeks were really hard-it was really difficult for me to trust God, to see His good in this, and to find rest in Him. I remember nights begging God to just "hold me, hold me," and give me the faith to believe that He is GOOD. I quickly began to panic and ask God "How am I going to go to college when I am such a mess?! Jesus, how am I going to focus on school and build new friendships when I feel broken? Who am I going to call when I am homesick? Who is going to hug me when I miss my family?" I have a sweet friend and mentor, Lindsay Berrang, who came over to my house the day after we broke up and prayed with me. She has been a HUGE encouragement to me through this, and she's really helped me to STILL enjoy the memories and treasure them, even though right now they hurt. I remember her sitting on my bed with me that morning, and crying with me as she said "Beth, God is going to meet you in new ways...ways you've never seen Him, ways you didn't even know He could meet you in. Because he wants you...and he wants all of you." And I can say, even just six weeks later, Lindsay was right...God has met me in so many new ways.
I have a cardboard box called "The Ben Box" filled with letters he's written me, notes he's given me, cds, flowers he sent me, pictures etc.I made the box last summer and over this year it has been filled to the top. On the top of the box, Psalm 138:8 is painted..."The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me." This was a verse that Ben and I talked about alot while we were dating as together we sought God to show us wisdom about our relationship, going to different colleges, etc. The night that we broke up, my mom and I taped up the box and through my tears I couldn't help me be reminded that God will fulfill His purpose for my life...and that is a promise in which I am clinging.
Over the past month, I have been reading through the book of Joshua and I have found alot of comfort through God's faithfulness to the Israelites so many years ago...I admire Joshua's bravery and God's faithfulness to His promises as He enabled them to defeat their enemies and take over the land that God had promised to them. I'm so thankful that God has proven himself trustworthy and that their are countless examples in the Bible to which I can see and find comfort in.
There have been two big things that stick out to me when I think about this breakup...forgiveness and joy. Relationships are hard work, and broken relationships are even harder. From the very start, the Lord began to work in my heart and remind me of the forgiveness that Ben and I had to give to one another. About two weeks ago, our new family pastor gave a talk on "forgiveness, our sacred duty." I was reminded of the forgiveness that the Lord so lovingly gives me daily. My quiet time prayers quickly became focused on forgiveness...I know I need SO MUCH help to forgive ben and I know I need SO MUCH forgiveness from Ben. Despite the type of relationship we have, Ben is and always will be my brother in Christ, and the sooner we can forgive one another, the sooner we can look to Christ to restore our friendship and encourage one another, even if it's from a distance. The second thing is Joy...it was such a battle to trust God for the first few weeks, and I still find days where I question " God, are you sure this is right?" It wasn't until several weeks ago, that I started to see God focus my heart from being healed and forgiven to a heart of Joy. While over at Lindsay's house one day, she said "you know, true joy is only really seen during times of hardship and suffering. All other joy is circumstantial...but when you can find joy among suffering, THAT'S when you know it's joy from the Lord." Those words were so eye-opening and encouraging to me...throughout these weeks, the Lord has reminded me of His love for me, his healing for my life, and the joy that only He can give to me and satisfy me with.
Am I still struggling with this? Yes. Has the hurt been worth seeing God in New ways? Absolutely. Suffering shows us what we need most and how desperate we are for a Savior. There isn't a day that I don't miss Ben and pray that God would bring healing to our friendship. He still is a very important person and friend and I'm so thankful for the time spent together and that he is in my life. For now however, I have been clinging to Jeremiah 31:3-6 in which the Lord says: "I have loved you with an EVERLASTING LOVE, I have drawn you with loving-kindness. I will BUILD YOU UP AGAIN and you will be REBUILT, O virgin Israel. Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful. Again you will plant vineyards on the hills of Samaria; the farmers will plant them and enjoy their fruit...Come, let us go up to Zion, to the Lord our God." I know that God will rebuild me, build me up again, and fulfill His purpose for me...and I'm trusting in these promises each day and seeing that He is good all the time. I feel weak and unprepared to move away without my best friend in my life, and after such a difficult change, but I rest assured in the Lord's STRENGTH and LOVE for me...
