Lately (and by lately I mean the past several months) I have found myself restless, unsettled, and wrestling with God's grace. I know, I know, I know. I've been covered by His grace, the cross was enough, and He loves me with an everlasting, unbreakable, all-enduring love. But do I really believe that? If I truly understood this beautiful truth, why then, do I insist on earning my salvation? Why do I expect perfection from myself...and even worse, others? Why does this "grace" thing just not sit quite right with me?
I fear that, for children raised in a Christian home, we fail to truly let the rich words and deep truths of God's Word sink into our hearts. I am finding that, my whole life I have proclaimed with my mouth one thing, and lived yet another. God's love and mercy is not dependent on my faithfulness. and yet, isn't this the very reason that we are driven to go on mission trips, give our money to the poor, and get up twenty minutes early to do our quiet times...in a desperate and sometimes hidden plea for his love? I know that we say things like, "I do these things so that God may be honored. I give this so that He will be glorified. I do this because He died on the cross for me." Those are all great things, and at times, yes, those are the true cries of my heart. But more times than not, I am doing these "things," these great works so that people with think I'm good and God might somehow love me more.
and that's where I trade in God's grace for a twisted, distorted, watered-down grace. One in which I am constantly owing Him for my failures and trying to impress him.
What am I thinking? He knows my heart. How can I hide from Him? Wouldn't it be far better to be still and tell him the truth? I don't always love Him. I don't always feel thankful. Very often my heart is marked with pride, greed, and jealousy. I have my selfish ways. I have trouble forgiving others. My heart is hard. I am stubborn and slow to meet with Him.
and even more, doesn't He know this about me already?
His grace is scandalous. You ask me, "Why?" And I ask you, "How could it not be?" It is completely contingent on what Jesus has already done and there is no correlation between my obedience and God's grace. Are there consequences for my sin? you know it. Do I feel far from Him when I struggle with unbelief? oh yes. Are there times when he chooses for me to cross a difficult path? absolutely. But this is not a result of his lack of grace. If anything, these are often signs of His deep affection and love.
In my opinion, I don't believe that, this side of Heaven, we can ever fully grasp the far-reaching, always pursuing, passionate love that our Father has for us. I think if we did, our lives would look a lot different. I know that I would be far less concerned with convincing people that I am "good" and far more in love with Him.
The encouraging thing to me is that all this wrestling has come from several months of "feeling" far from the Lord (whatever that means) and yet, still seeing signs of Him and fruit from Him (in fact, that is about all I could tell you from this summer). This is forcing me to come face to face with grace. I am slowly (and i mean very slowly...) grasping a little bit more of his greatness and my smallness.
No comments:
Post a Comment