hardened hearts.

Lately (and by lately I mean the past several months) I have found myself restless, unsettled, and wrestling with God's grace. I know, I know, I know. I've been covered by His grace, the cross was enough, and He loves me with an everlasting, unbreakable, all-enduring love. But do I really believe that? If I truly understood this beautiful truth, why then, do I insist on earning my salvation? Why do I expect perfection from myself...and even worse, others? Why does this "grace" thing just not sit quite right with me?

I fear that, for children raised in a Christian home, we fail to truly let the rich words and deep truths of God's Word sink into our hearts. I am finding that, my whole life I have proclaimed with my mouth one thing, and lived yet another. God's love and mercy is not dependent on my faithfulness. and yet, isn't this the very reason that we are driven to go on mission trips, give our money to the poor, and get up twenty minutes early to do our quiet times...in a desperate and sometimes hidden plea for his love? I know that we say things like, "I do these things so that God may be honored. I give this so that He will be glorified. I do this because He died on the cross for me." Those are all great things, and at times, yes, those are the true cries of my heart. But more times than not, I am doing these "things," these great works so that people with think I'm good and God might somehow love me more.

and that's where I trade in God's grace for a twisted, distorted, watered-down grace. One in which I am constantly owing Him for my failures and trying to impress him.

What am I thinking? He knows my heart. How can I hide from Him? Wouldn't it be far better to be still and tell him the truth? I don't always love Him. I don't always feel thankful. Very often my heart is marked with pride, greed, and jealousy. I have my selfish ways. I have trouble forgiving others. My heart is hard. I am stubborn and slow to meet with Him.

and even more, doesn't He know this about me already? 

His grace is scandalous. You ask me, "Why?" And I ask you, "How could it not be?" It is completely contingent on what Jesus has already done and there is no correlation between my obedience and God's grace. Are there consequences for my sin? you know it. Do I feel far from Him when I struggle with unbelief? oh yes. Are there times when he chooses for me to cross a difficult path? absolutely. But this is not a result of his lack of grace. If anything, these are often signs of His deep affection and love.

In my opinion, I don't believe that, this side of Heaven, we can ever  fully grasp the far-reaching, always pursuing, passionate love that our Father has for us. I think if we did, our lives would look a lot different. I know that I would be far less concerned with convincing people that I am "good" and far more in love with Him.

The encouraging thing to me is that all this wrestling has come from several months of "feeling" far from the Lord (whatever that means) and yet,  still seeing signs of Him and fruit from Him (in fact, that is about all I could tell you from this summer). This is forcing me to come face to face with grace. I am slowly (and i mean very slowly...) grasping a little bit more of his greatness and my smallness.

nothing in my hands i bring

well hello there! It's been quite a long while since I've stopped by. Let me catch you up.

i'm back, I'm back, I'm baaaaaaaackkk.

 My boxes have landed in Marietta once again for this SUMMER. How excited am I? VERY. However, with this comes a new set of fears, challenges, battles, and lessons. I'd by lying if I said that the past two weeks had been easy. They have been difficult and I'd rather not gloss over this, simply to make each blog post "perfect." I have wrestled and fought with the Lord and constantly been forced to deal with the brokenness of my own heart. These are not the easiest things to deal with, however, I am learning that they are good and beautiful in their own kinda way.

I could go into greater detail about the specific challenges that have come with this summer already, however to save time (and spare your own sanity) I would rather point you to the Word of God, which is feeding my soul right now. I am clinging to Hebrews 3:18, which says, "...Jesus Christ is the SAME yesterday, today, and forevermore." How beautiful it is to REST that Jesus is constant in an uncertain and ever changing world.

I am uncertain what this summer may bring; however I AM certain of one thing: My Lord is always the same! His love for me is steady, his grace for me is constant, and his power is always at work;

 even when I am dry, weak, and unfaithful.

Through the past two weeks, the Lord has been quick to remind me that I am incapable of doing anything without HIM. I will try to earn his love; I will chase the praise and love of others; I will convince myself that I can do this alone; I will believe the lie that I can change hearts...

including my own.

As I start the summer, I am particularly drawn to the words to one of my most favorite hymns. I love the simplicity. I love the way in which the words depict our helplessness and neediness.

I have nothing in my hands to bring this summer. I am clinging to the cross. I am coming to Him naked, begging to be dressed. I am aware of my desperate need to be rescued each day.

He has placed me right where I need to be. 

Rock of Ages: 
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure;
Save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labor of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law’s demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to the cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress;
Helpless look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
When mine eyes shall close in death,
When I soar to worlds unknown,
See Thee on Thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee

broken windows, ugly hearts, and new mercies.

Lately, I have had quite the ugly heart. I'm not quite exactly sure how to explain what that looks like, but I assure you, it isn't very pretty. Each time my heart gets ugly, I find myself tangled up in a spiral of frustration. How I wish I could be perfect, follow through on my good intentions, love and forgive as I have been loved, and please people 'til I could please them no more.

This weekend was quite the opposite. I found myself completely focussed on myself, rather than others; I found my heart bitter and angry, rather than content and joyful; and most of all, I desired to earn God's grace, rather than rest in His finished work.

Every single morning that I have crawled out of bed this week, the Lord has brought the sweet words of Lamentations to my mind. (I know what your thinking, "oh yeah, that verse about mercies and faithfulness and blah blah blah everyone always talks about that one.) But I can't wrap my head around it. In my sin and in my brokenness; in my messes and fears, I am given NEW mercies each time that the sun rises.

"...His mercies never fail. they are NEW each morning."

This past weekend, my heart expressed itself in many different UGLY ways. And because of this, I have tried to do everything I can to FIX the mistakes I have made. I have obsessed, I have apologized, I have tried to be "extra" perfect, (ha, whatever that means!) I have tortured myself, and begged and begged for forgiveness. However, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't forgive myself for my harsh words, jealous heart, and lack of trust in the Lord. It wasn't until this verse truly sunk into my heart that I was able to rest. I am incapable of being perfect and I do not have to strive for perfection. WHY? because Jesus was perfect and his mercy is NEW each morning. Yesterday I messed up. Today I messed up. and tomorrow, I am certain I.will.mess.up. But I am not bound to the law, for life in Christ is FREEDOM.

...for this is the gospel. His mercies cover my broken windows and ugly hearts of yesterday and He will continue to supply me with sufficient grace and love for my broken windows and ugly hearts of tomorrow. hallelujah!

retreats are a good thing.

Last weekend, I traveled "home" to Marietta and went with East Cobb's Middle School youth group on their winter retreat. The weekend was full of games, food, fellowship, and Jesus. (some of my most favorite things!) I loved catching up and spending time with these sweet girls that I love and miss so dearly. I enjoyed great conversations, lots of laughter, (plenty of hilarious quotes for my prayer journal) silly faces, playing outside, and praising Jesus. I am TOO EXCITED to be spending another sumer with these dear friends of mine!

Middle school students are my FAVORITE.

This past weekend, I went with Covenant's RUF large group to the RUF conference at Fall Creek Falls. I had such a wonderful time worshiping my King, making new friends, and spending time relaxing and fellowshipping. On Saturday, we hiked to Fall Creek Falls and then spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying the BEAUTIFUL weather. I am

thankful for the sweet friendships I am making with the students at RUF and the

weekend to rest, relax, and enjoy uplifting company.

i laughed more this weekend than I have in a long time.

thankful.

bind my wandering heart to thee.

I always find myself so surprised when the Lord reminds me that I am far from Him. I'm not quite sure why this is always such a surprise to me, because it seems to happen often. I have always been a wanderer and always will be. My mom tells me stories of my brother chasing me down in stores after I trailed off on my own to different aisles. When I was in elementary school, I remember packing up my backpack and setting off down the street because I wanted to "runaway from home." When I was about ten, I wandered away from my dad on an 11-mile bike trail in Tennessee. (after coming across several "bear crossing" signs, I decided that this whole getting lost thing wasn't so fun anymore!) Ten years later, I still find myself running away and wandering from the people (or person) that loves me most and knows me best.

This semester I have been learning more about sin then I'd ever like to. When I was little, I was taught that sin is "doing something wrong." It's lying, or cheating, or stealing. I have found that sin is so much more than just disobeying. Sin doesn't simply attack me at certain moments throughout the day, it destroys my whole being. It causes me to believe that life and fulfillment can be found a part from Jesus, it teaches me to worship the idols of my heart rather than my King, it creates a longing in me to be loved and affirmed by those around me, it transforms me from a courageous child of God to a fearful and needy orphan. So often I find myself blaming other people and circumstances around me for the fear, struggles, or chaos that I come across...when in reality, it is the fruit of my deeply rooted idolatry.

You see the problem is my HEART. My heart has stolen worship from the Lord and placed it upon myself. My heart loves its idles. My heart has replaced the Kingdom of God for the Kingdom of "me." I always tend to see this, however, I immediately seek to fix the problem by cleaning up the outside of myself. I clean myself up, but ignore the rout of my behavior. I want people to think I "have it all together." I want to fool them that I am perfect, even when my heart is a mess of brokenness and sinful desires. I keep convincing myself that somewhere, somehow I have the answer to my constant wandering. I work hard to stay close to the Lord one week, but find myself failing the next. Why am I so prone to chase other things? Because my heart needs changing everyday.

My external attempts to change have nothing to do with my broken, wandering heart. Again and again, I am reminded of the words of my favorite hymn. I am prone to wander. I will always wander. I will chase other things for the rest of my life. because I am made of sin. Because everyday, I am in desperate need of a new heart. A heart that only He can give me.

And that is the GOOD NEWS. My Father is a warrior king. He will not rest while my heart is held captive to other kings. My God is jealous for my heart. And My Lord is the giver of grace. Grace, I believe is the most powerful weapon in the war for my heart. It is by his mercy that I am able to turn from my sin and seek His face. It is by his goodness that I am able to forsake my idols and serve His Kingdom. And it is by his goodness that my wandering heart keeps coming back to Him.

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

"Behold, your Lord has come to you!"

beloved.

One thing is for sure: I want to go home. With a mixture of being in bed sick/missing the people i love most, its been one of those weeks where I have found myself longing to be with those who know me best. There are MANY days that I am thankful that I struggle with being lonely while away at school. (I can hear my mom say "hard things are good things!") There are many hikes and talks, and much growth that would not have happened with my Savior this semester, had I not been forced to run to His open arms. However, even though I recognize this, I often find myself running to other places searching for love and security. Where can I run to find freedom- from my sin; my longing to be loved; my desire for something secure. These are the questions my heart wants to know.

I am His beloved.

So often, I choose to reject Jesus' tender voice. I run from places where I can be alone with Him. And I find that this is the single most important reason that I choose to forget His truth. When we choose to be alone with God--to talk, listen, or just BE in His presence, we are able to sit and listen to the voice that says, "You. you. you, child. You are my beloved!" This is the place where we are most known-the pretty and the ugly; the place where Jesus touches our core and speaks to the deepest part of our being and says, "i know you perfectly and you are my beloved daughter, you are my beloved son." When we are not claiming that those sweet words belong to us, we cannot walk freely in a world of brokenness. I am certain that many of us, myself included, are not free in the way that Jesus intends. we search. we look. we beg. We want love-someone, somewhere to fill us, and satisfy this longing...but we just don't know where. So we live our lives, begging for affirmation and praise. We are far too proud of our success, hoping that others will notice; and we are far too destroyed by our failures, terrified that others will see our weakness. Our identity is not that "we are His beloved," rather our identity is wrapped up in some person or thing that temporarily fills this void; until we have to move on to find another. This world screams, "Impress me. Show me that you are really worthy of love." In the midst of the crowd yelling out to "crucify him" Jesus chose to listen to the voice of His father. He didn't live on earth to impress, people please, or have his followers "like" him. He already knew that He belonged to His Father; and He knew His father was delighted in him. Unlike Jesus, so often my freedom is not rooted in claiming my belovedness. His voice is always whispering, "you don't have to prove anything, you don't have to search or look or wander. You are already mine."

I love that I am His beloved. I love that He loves His people with a never ending-never giving up love. I love that in a world that is full of people seeking praise, love, and attention, the beautiful thing about being His beloved, is that I am already loved; my worth and value are found in Him. It frees me to stop looking for love in all the wrong places.

It frees me to rest that I am loved deeply.

givin some THANKS.

["Be THANKFUL and tell Him so!" -Psalm 100:4]


1. I am thankful for the sweet FALL WEATHER.
and the hikes and talks with Jesus that just seem to happen because of it!

2. I am thankful for SURPRISES.
My birthday was at the beginning of November and my roommates crashed my room at midnight the night before with blocks of cheese, party hats, and candy. (good things!) The next day, after soccer practice, my roommates were acting very strange and INSISTED that we sit at a particular table far from where we normally eat dinner. It took me FOREVER to catch on, but once I looked up...there was david, dressed up, with flowers in his hand. (I had just seen him the weekend before, so I did NOT expect him to drive back up to my school again slash I thought he was golfing and hanging out with friends from ruf.) I.was.so.surprised. He took me out to dinner and ice cream and gave me such a sweet evening. I smiled the whole night and it was one of my most favorite memories with him so far.

3. I am thankful for my HAMMOCK
talkin with friends is so much more fun when you are swinging between two tress!

4. I am thankful for LETTERS.
I love days when I check my mailbox and find a letter from Annie. These letters are filled with so much and I find them so.special.to.me. Some days Annie tells me what God's been teaching her (always encouraging to hear), some days she tells me how she is struggling, (strugs), and some days her letters are just packed with silly stories. It doesn't matter what they say, they never get old. I keep every single one of them and always look forward to the next bit of encouragement that I find written in her handwriting.

5. I am thankful for CAMPING TRIPS.
Several weeks after my birthday, David, Nicki, Josiah, Taylor, and I packed up and camped at Cloudland Canyon for two nights. We hiked through the beautiful canyon, (I won't mention that the 5 mile hike turned into 8 miles...sometimes its good to get lost) climbed around a waterfall, and spent the evenings cooking, and talking around the campfire. It was such a time of rest and relaxation and I was so thankful for the conversations, laughter, and encouragement that I find in these sweet friends of mine.

6. I am thankful for CHRISTMAS MUSIC
and crafternoons with my roomates.


7. I am thankful for GOD'S LOVE that never gives up on me.
even when i sin. even when i keep messing up. even when i don't love others more than myself.
the love he poured out on the cross
covers me every minute, every second, everyday.

8. I am thankful for my SOCCER TEAM.
We didn't make it to Nationals this year, which was a sad way to end this season.
However, I can't help but Thank the Lord for the time that I have been able to spend with the girls on my team. They are so very wonderful.

9. I am thankful for time at HOME.
There are few things I love more than walks around my neighborhood, sleeping in my own bed, setting up the Christmas tree with my family, laughing with my friends, and eating my momma's cooking.


[For all of this, and so much more, my heart REJOICES in the Lord.]

Praise the Lord, O my soul!

Lately, I find that the Lord keeps taking me back to Psalm 103. I happened to stumble across it the other day and for whatever reason, these words of David seem to be the most beautiful words to my heart. The passage starts off "praise the Lord, O my soul." As I struggle to be satisfied where Gods actually placed me, these simple words of praise are so refreshing. A large chunk of the passage dives right it, talking about God's great love and mercy for his people.

"who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases."
"who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion."
"the Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love."
"He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities."
"For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him."
"As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him."

And then it gets to my favorite part: vs 14"for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust." Oh, how I LOVE that the Lord understands me perfectly. In him, I am known. And not only that, He knows my weakness, he recognizes the finiteness of his people, causing him to have great patience and compassion. In a world where we are constantly told to "have it together," I found complete joy when I was reminded that I can't "have it all together." I will NEVER "have it all together." I don't know why I try to convince myself that I must be perfect, that I must hide my imperfections from others, and walk around acting as if I've got this whole "walking with God" thing figured out. The Lord knows me more deeply then even I know myself; for he was there when I was formed and he remembers my weakness and frailty. I love this about Him! And I love that in this, I can recognize that I need love and compassion each day, because I am messy and broken; and I will, forever be making mistakes.

I can't tell you how many times I try to convince myself that I can earn God's love. Of course, that is completely against every bit of theology that I find to be true in His word, but often I still find myself trying to gain my own righteousness. The Lord has been reminding me lately that His grace is not dependent on my obedience. Of course I am called to obey and pursue holiness out of a love for the Lord, but I can't tell you how many times I have dropped at his feet to say "father, I've messed up again." I always expect him to be so dissapointed in me...again. And while, often times he does discipline me out of his love, He always seems to look at me and smile and remind me that I am just dust and I need his saving each day.


The Psalm continues on for several verses, talking about God's everlasting love in a world that will soon fade. And it ends just the way that it began: "Praise the Lord, O my soul."

How could I not praise Him?

ready. set. catchup.

August 25: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

August 26: 3C Dress and Go
September 1: David asked me to be his girlfriend. (hehehe i'm being such a GIRL.)
September 4: Nicki and Alyssa came up the mountain!
September 18: surprised the ecpc middle school girls at youth group. (hugs and screaming=fun.)
October 1: My family came up for a visit!

October 5: I scored a GOOOOAAAAL.
October 7: Put on that sassy dress and did my hurrr...went to jazz on the overlook with the roomies.

October 8: Stayed up until 4 a.m. just TALKING with Annie. (and recieved a giant disney picture storybook...never too far.)

October 9: Carved a pumpkin with david. (he let me get out all the goo...i'm thankful for a boy who let's me be messy!)

October 16: BEST cry ever. just got it all out.
October 17: The leaves are REALLY starting to change...beautiful!

the lord is my shepherd, i shall not want.

Well. summer's officially over, I've said my goodbyes to my sweet friends in Marietta, and embraced and reunited with long lost covenant friends. I'm back up on this beautiful mountain, survived soccer pre-season, and classes began last week. I'm back on 3C in room 358 with my three wonderful roomates: Aften, Grace, and Rachael. We've managed to make our dorm a home and I'm really enjoying living with these three ladies. I'm loving intro to teaching and youth ministry, and really looking forward to getting reconnected with my junior high girls at Lookout Mountain Pres.

As much as I love it here, I want so badly to be in other places. I've never been one to enjoy school much and my anxious heart tends to find the school year a difficult time to trust Jesus. Here I am, coming back from such a challenging but wonderful summer--one in which I saw the Lord work in beautiful ways, beyond what I could ask or imagine. A month later, and I still find myself spending many days wishing I was in Marietta with the little girls (and annie, duh.) or missing my sweet friends and family in Florida. Looking back over this summer, I struggle to see what the Lord could possibly have for me here. (but then again, He does have a tendency to surprise me!) Being the ungrateful sinner that I am, so often, I find that I am simply unsatisfied in the places that the Lord puts me. I catch myself everyday wishing I was somewhere else, missing someone new, and making up my mind that my plans are better than His.

This constant wishing to be places I am not, is without a doubt, a sure sign of my longing for heaven. And for the time that I am on earth, it is evidence of my unwillingness to be satisfied by my creator. Again and again, the Lord has been taking me back to Psalm 23 "The lord is my shepherd, I shall not want." OH BUT THIS GIRL WANTS. I want to be somewhere else. I feel like school is pointless, I long for my friendships back at home, I struggle to understand my purpose here, its difficult to love. but the most beautiful thing, is that I don't have to want. Jesus tells me that I don't need to want. I wasn't created to want. why? Because of that simple truth: HE is my shepherd; because he promise that he will satisfy my deepest longings, he will feed my hunger, he will give me rest and he will put me in places that he knows are good.

i am trusting.

sister. lady. neighbor. friend.

I drove home from Marietta on Monday and BROUGHT sweet Annie with me.
We had such a fun time in Florida-being silly, dancing in the kitchen, watching movies, splashing around at the beach, baking, talking, and wrapping up all our sweet summer memories together.
I have loved living with Annie this summer-from hikes to the waterfall, late bake nights, or serious talks, she's become one 0f my closest friends.
I've never met anyone who understands me so well, shares so many of my interests, and sees the world the same way that I do.
I love every single second that I spend with her.
Annie will never know what a big encouragement she has been to me this summer--from pushing me to love the little girls, reminding me to take a rest, leaving Bible verses on the mirror, and spending my days off with me.
I see so much of Jesus in Annie: she's so intentional with others, constantly looking for ways to put them above herself. I've watched Annie loose two grandparents this summer and faithfully trust her Father through it all. She is so full of life, with a joy from knowing Jesus. She is hard working, always smiling, and constantly dancing around, making others laugh.
I've grown to love so many things about her: her obsession with country music and baking, her love for people, and her giant smile.
Annie is two years younger than me, but I look up to her in so many ways.
I want to be just like her when I grow up.
Yesterday we prayed for each other before she left and I was reminded that THIS is how God intended us to love, encourage, and bare with one another.
I'm excited about heaven with this lady.

goodbye logan circle.

I love marrietta. I love everything about it. I love that Target is 3 minutes away from me. i love that I live in a house with red shutters. I love that annie lives one room away from me. i love that i can walk right in the Norman's front door. i love that if you know Roswell road and Johnson ferry you are golden. i love that i can sit in my brother's office and talk with him. i love that if you drive til Roswell road ends you hit a waterfall. and i love the people.

This has been such a hard goodbye. It's so diffiucult to walk with these girls, love on them, and be loved in return-and then just leave. I've been so blessed by their sweet smiles and friendship this summer...call me crazy, but i think junior high girls are the greatest. oh but they are! They are so full of life and potential. So many people, today, think so little of students as if they aren't real people until they are 25 and married with a "real" job. but have they spend any time with them? Listen to their voices, grow with them, walk with them--and I think you'll find you can learn a lot from a seventh grader. I love that about them. Not only do they constantly keep me entertained, but I am constantly learning WITH them. I am so thankful for that. They are such a beautiful picture of God's great love for His people, each with their own quirks, giggles, talents, and personalities.

I can't believe that August 1 has arrived. (a day that I pretended would never come.) I don't really know what it looks like from here. How do I love them and then leave? How do I build relationships and then just let them end? How do I get a peek into their lives-their likes and dislikes, their joys and pains, their strengths and weaknesses and then just jump out? It is for this reason that I am so grateful that "Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forevermore." Hebrews 13:8. This summer is just a small picture of God's great plans for these girls and while I step out of their lives, I'm thankful that their faithful Father will remain the same. It is for this reason that I am thankful that I'm not the one who changes hearts and watches over these girls; the Lord is their keeper and I can rest assured that he will be their shepherd.

This summer couldn't have gone any better. The Lord constantly showed me His faithfulness through His people. I remember arriving in May, fearful of my relationships with the other interns, the family I would live with, and the students. I thought that this would be such a lonely summer. God has a tendency to surprise me. I learned so much this summer and I'm so thankful for the Lord's great power through my many weaknesses and inadequacies. During the last Junior high life an old song by Steven Curtis Chapman (ahh such road trip memories with my family growing up.) came on and the words seemed to fit perfectly as I stand in awe, speechless of God's great power this summer. i am so thankful.

We are speechless so amazed
We stand in awe of your grace
We stand in awe of your mercy
We stand in awe of your love
We are speechless

We are speechless in your presence now
We stand in awe of your cross
We're astounded as we consider how
We stand in awe of your power
You have shown us
A love that leaves us speechless
We are speechless

a little imagination.

Everyday, i meet more and more people who don't seem to have an imagination anymore. terrifying, i know. Throughout this summer, the interns, several highschool students, several junior high girls and myself have not only imagined, but also created a family. It has continued to grow week after week, as we added more poeple and decided where they fit into the picture. Yesterday we decided to meet at East Cobb Park to take pictures of our "imaginary family," before the interns separated, the high schoool girls went off to college, and the little girls started school again. We arrived at five, dressed in jeans on the bottom and white on top. What are the odds that all of us would be able to make it to the park at the same time? i don't know, but we had such a fun time being together, pretending to be a family, playing in the park, and making fun of America's obsession with family photos.
once again, annie and i found ourselves far too easily satisfied. but then again, a little imagination never hurt anybody!

making sense of things.

Tonight, we had our second to last pancake bible study of the summer. i set up weekly Bible studies on Thursday nights at the blass' throughout the summer-because I knew if I didn't, I would let the summer slip by without setting aside time for the important stuff. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about fun and games, but I realize that sharing Jesus with these girls is a MUST and the main reason I'm here. Sure, I want to show them Jesus with my actions-by being with them, loving them, helping them, and walking with them, but I didn't want the summer to fly by without actually talking with them about the Lord. My goal for this time (other than improving on my pancake making skills!) was encouraging one another, learning pieces of God's word, and praying together. SIMPLE. but oh so good. I decided to teach each week out of the book "wired for worship," a book that I really enjoyed when I was in middle school. Each week, I prepared a short talk, about fifteen minutes, and then we took time to pray with one another. Some weeks, I felt that we accomplished nothing of eternal value, while other weeks, I started to believe we were finally getting somewhere. Tonight was one of the most encouraging nights of the whole summer for me. The wheels started turning; the pieces started fitting; they got it. Tonight the girls were quick to answer my questions, begging to share, and spitting out the God's truth..."oh! so THAT'S what you meant the first week when you said if we are rooted in Jesus, our lives will reflect His charter. oh, now I get it, anything I do can be an act of worship to God! So what your saying is that, I was made to worship God, but I worship other things instead...that's why I'm never satisfied!" yes. yes. yes!!

I'll admit, Thursday comes each week, and without fail, I am scrambling to get the lesson together. This week especially. It reminds me of a passage I read in 1 Corinthians last week. Paul is writing to the Corinthian church about Christ's power working through His weakness: "For Christ did not send me to baptize, but to preach the gospel—not with wisdom and eloquence, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of its power...And so it was with me, brothers and sisters. When I came to you, I did not come with eloquence or human wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness with great fear and trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit’s power, so that your faith might not rest on human wisdom, but on God’s power." 1 Corinthians 2:1-5

I don't have the fancy words, the perfect illustrations.
i struggle to be bold with these girls.
i feel inadequate. I see my shortcomings.
I have come here in weakness.
but the cross is powerful and His word is living.
God is at work in these girl's lives.
and it's exciting to see.

moo

I am not a cow. and I hope I never am. But since Annie and I can never pass up a good excuse to dress up, we decided that dressing up for cow appretiation day at Chik-fil-a was a MUST. (in case you haven't caught on, we are far too easily pleased.) I write about this, not only because dressing up like a cow in FUN, but also because the Lord has been so faithful to me this summer, by providing a group of friends my age that I can spend time with on my days off/ when I need a break. Although most of my time is spent with the little girls ( which i love!) it's been such a blessing-needed and refreshing to have these people in my life for the summer.

to all the cows in the world: we appretiate you.

stone mountain.

Last wednesday, the junior high and high school youth group ( and their families) drove out to Stone Mountain Park in Atlanta. We arrived early evening, set out blankets, threw the football, ate our packed dinners, and enjoyed one another's company. You know that perfect feeling when the sun is setting, your sweating like a crazy person, and your running barefoot on soft grass? One word: SUMMER. A large group of us made the adventurous hike up the mountain, and let me tell you, it was quite a struggle for Annie and I. but with a camera in hand and our singing voices ready, we had a blast climbing. The view at the top was beautiful and oh so worth it. We stayed for the fireworks and laser light show and little Eliza ( a little sister of one of my students.) climbed onto my lap and dripped blue popsicle juice all over my leg. I enjoyed every second of it. i love the people here.

THE EDGE.

A few weeks ago, we took our middle school students to The Edge Conference at Covenant. Not only is covenant very dear to my heart, but I've served at The Edge the past three years, and fell in love, so it is also one of my most favorite places in the WORLD. The week was packed: worship and talks morning and night, tournaments and water wars during the day, and dance parties and dark games at night. I went into the edge thinking "oh, I'm strong, I'm ready to lead my girls, this will be a great week of growth for them." God shook my plans, BIG TIME. (haha, surprise!) It was one of those times where the devil hit me at my weakest, most vunerable points, where I was emotionally and physically weak, and where God had things He wanted to say to me." I waded through so much personally with the Lord during that week and after, and learned a lot about ministry as well. I was reminded that it's not me that loves and keeps students, it's the Lord; and in my weakness, He showed me just that. I was reminded that I don't change hearts, God does. and I was reminded that God wants to work IN me, even as He works THROUGH me.

you are for me.

A year ago today marks the first day of this very hard year. For this reason, yesterday I got in my car, drove 'til Roswell Rd ends, parked my car, and hiked to a waterfall. alone. I sat at the waterfall (i looked like the biggest weirdo...am i proud of it? hmm, maybe.) with my bible and journal in hand. Two hours FLEW by before I even looked at my watch and realized I needed to go home. During those two hours I read. i prayed. i thought. i cried. I can't believe a year has gone by since ben and I broke up and I can't even begin to realize all the different ways that the breakup spilled over and effected different areas of my life and opened my eyes to other broken areas that I didn't want to admit. It's hard to say, but even a year later, i feel that the Lord is still stripping, ripping, breaking...rebuilding, restoring, rescuing. I look back over this year and I see that I am still learning that HIS timing is best. but above all else, I know that my father is fighting for me; not against me.

The night before I went to the waterfall, I was thinking over the past year. I pulled out my journal and this is what I wrote:


I cannot be moved. you are my hope. so faithful. always pursuing; always loving me. you give me hope for the future. I am broken...but you heal me each day. redeemer. restorer. rescuer. powerful. mighty. strong. always holding me close to your heart. my name is written on your hands. you understand my pain; you get my every move. so consistant. you protect me. you break down, tear apart, claw through...to make me more like you. I am loved; with an everlasting love. you promise to rebuild me; you promise i will be filled with joy again. you hear my cry for help. you protect me. you hold me close. you work for my good. you have saved me; and you can do it again. i am weak...but you are strong. your love never fails; your love is perfect. you are patient. you are for me. you are gentle and vicious. you love me deeplu. you have not left me. you wisper truth. so constant. you show me love. even when i run; you chase me. you never let go of me. you came down to show me love. you do not change, you cann't be shaken. you make me brave and strong. you see the depths of my heart ( and still love me!). you love me...that's why you say no. you are my shepherd; you know me more than anyone else. father. king. best friend. you will fulfill your purpose for my life. you are close when i am hurting. you are my peace and joy. you are my hiding place. you remind me of your promises. you teach me to love and forgive; and be forgiven. you know what I need most. you fill me up. you know weaknesses. you give me much to be thankful for. you are my hope and defense. you fight the battle for me.

these are the things that God has taught me about himself this year.
HOW BEAUTIFUL.
can i get an amen?

it isn't fun until it's MESSY.

On Monday, Charissa (the high school girl's summer intern) and I got several junior high and high school girls together to TYE DYE t-shirts. We had such a fun afternoon together and I though I'd share some of the sweet faces and smiles that I am growing to love so much.

Some of the girls and their t-shirts, ready for some COLOR. messy hands are MANDATORY.

Charissa (far right) and I (third on the left) with our girls!