a vicious love

"Then the lion said -- but I don't know if it spoke -- 'You will have to let me undress you.'I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know -- if you've ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy -- oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."

"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.

"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off -- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt -- and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me -- I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on -- and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again."

A few weeks ago, we had Carter prayer and praise and during that time, this section of C. S. Lewis' book Voyage of the Dawn Treader, was read, as we discussed the many ways in which God loves us...Growing up, my parents read this book out loud to me, however, I would have never imagined then how much this passage would mean to me now. Later that night, I read over this section of the book again to see what parts I had missed and wrote it down in my journal. This passage is about a boy named Eustice who was turned into a dragon, by Aslan, because of his sin and rebellion. As I reread it to myself, I was reminded of how lately this is how I feel; that God is changing and transforming me through transition and change, through my sin and rebellion, through my lack of trust in him, and through things that sometimes hurt. So many times I catch myself saying "Jesus, why are you hurting me like this? Where are you?" This passage was a perfect reminder that he loves me so much, that at times, my gentle father, has to dig down deep inside of me and tear me down in order to build me up again and make me more like himself. There is so much sin and many struggles in my life, things I'm learning about myself that I'm not particularly proud of, and times when I struggle believing I am truly His child. But through my sin, my struggles, my weakness, he is knocking down my walls, changing my heart, and transforming me into a new creation...as an expression of his love.

We always think of love as this "ooey, gooey, always-feels-good" kind of love. Oh, but what about the tough love? The hurtful love? The vicious love? It doesn't look like Aslan loves Eustice in this passage. Oh, but don't be deceived, he does! In fact, the only way to make him a boy again is to change him from his dragon form. He loves him viciously.

Sure, I'm not a dragon ( and I certainly hope I never am! ) but I saw so much of myself in this passage. I've tried so many times to fix myself; to "peel the beastly stuff off" of myself-the sin and shame, the weakness in me-and yet it isn't until I lay down and let Him tear it away will I be made new.

the best part?
He does this, because he loves me.

a day in the park.

weekend.
beautiful weather.
day in the park.
ECPC students.
happy faces.
perfect.

oh, and did i mention that i was offered the summer internship at ECPC in Atlanta?
i took it.
and i am SO EXCITED.
no, you don't understand.
imagine me excited...
times THREE MILLION.
nervous? yes.
excited? YES.

these are some of the high school students that live there that i got to know over Christmas break on the ski trip. (they were in town visiting a friend in Chatt.) I will be the junior high summer intern, so I'll be working with 6-8th grade girls, but i'm so blessed and excited that i already have some friends close to my age to spend time with when i get there...

even among hurt and brokenness, God keeps reminding me that I am his child and He is going to use me for His glory.
thanking and praising the Lord...
(and jumping around in excitement...as always.)

craft time is my favorite time.

Supplies:
Old magazines.
glue stick.
hot glue gun.
empty tin can.
empty bottle.
wooden frame.
total: $4.

For this one, I just rolled up old magazine pictures and articles. Then I just cut them to meet up and hot glued them to the frame...super easy!

I've always wanted to learn how to make these! So, alas, I finally learned...

For this, I just did the same thing as I did with the frame. I just rolled up old magazine pages, and hot glued them to an empty tin can...tada!

be still, oh weary soul of mine.

There are so many things constantly pulling at my heart; things that grab my attention and fight for my passion as if they are saying to me "I'm what's most important! Love me the most! Live your life for ME!" grades. family. friends at home. new friendships at Covenant. small group girls. soccer team. roommates. professors. boys. papers and tests. the list goes on.

What is God teaching me; what is on my heart right now, you may ask?
Well, I'm most certainly glad you asked and since you did, (whoever you are! )I would be more than happy to share with you a small piece of it...

If you know me, (which I am assuming you do!) you know that there is rarely five minutes in a day in which I am sitting still. And oh, if only you could dive into my brain for a few moments you'd realize that even when my body is momentarily still, my brain is running fast. I don't like to be still and quite frankly, I'm not very good at it. (which, being the perfectionist I am, is probably the main reason I don't try it very often...because perfectionists strongly dislike failing!) Anyways, the past few weeks, I've really began to realize how much my heart LOVES to constantly worship production. It's been a struggle my whole life, however, as most struggles seem to go, it only get's worse as I grow older. While hard work, and responsibility are both great things, I know that my heart LONGS to define myself based on what I can do, how I get it done...the things that I do each day. Oh how silly this is and how often I find myself miserable, because let's face it, being a perfectionist in a BROKEN world is HARD WORK.

If I'm being honest, the past few weeks I have lacked a constant quiet time. So often, I long to love others, to serve students, to be a good roomate, respect my parents, pray for my enemies...these are all things that I hope to accomplish...BY MYSELF?! I find myself so anxious, so worried, so tense because my heart and mind are not wired to Jesus, they are strung on what I can do. So often, lists of "things to get done" or "things out of my control" are constantly running through my mind, rather than praying to Jesus throughout the day. I wake up, scrambling to cross things off my lists, rather than thanking the Lord for a new day and laying my fears and worries at His feet. If I'm not trying to get things done, i'm worrying and finding myself so anxious about certain things going on in my life. I fall asleep, only when my restless mind finally shuts down and allows my weary body to rest...only to wake up the next day to continue the cycle.

I can't even begin to tell you how many times ( and if I did try to explain, you probably wouldn't believe me.) the past few weeks that the Lord has been telling me to STOP working and let Him carry my burdens. me: "I'm sorry, Jesus, but there is no way that I can stop what I'm doing to meet with you...I've got to keep working!" Several times, I became so frustrated (because I KNOW that I am wrong and He is right.) with myself and my lack of my production and trust in Him, that I did stop and fall at the feet of Jesus. But even then, it was such a battle to truly stop and focus my heart and mind on him. As I read my Bible, my feet were constantly moving, ready to quit reading and get back to work. And as I prayed, every fiber of my being longed to "hit the road" and screamed back at me to "get up and get to work!"

I know that this isn't new news. I know that you struggle with this too. and I know that I've struggled with this my whole life and I probably will continue. However, I know that I have to rely on God to overcome these idles that I constantly long to serve. School has always been hard for me and as a result, in my frustration I make grades an idle and long to define myself by overcoming my struggle with school. However, as Lindsay reminded me this week, God is a god of process not result. And the best part is, I can rest in what He's done for me, not what I can do for Him.

Twice the Holy Spirit lead me to the passage of Mary and Martha (once through a school assignment and once while reading a devotional) in Luke 10. Such a beautiful reminder of who I am...constantly anxious and worried about what I can do. And yet, as much as I love being a hard worker, I do desire to be so much more life Mary...able to realize what's lasting and what isn't; and as a result, putting aside the things of the world to sit as Jesus' feet and cling to His every word. I'm beginning to realize that Jesus isn't glorified in my "All As" if they are for ME. If I've neglected to love those around me and love the Lord more than anything, then my good grades are for my glory. And I want them to be for Him. I want the things I do...the people I laugh with, the runs I take, the crafts I make, the school work I turn in, to all be expressions of my love for Him. As if to say "Jesus, I'm doing this, because I LOVE YOU!"

Luke 10:38-42
"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

tacky clothes. silly girls. basketball games.

My top five favorite things about sixth grade girls:

-they are so full of life. always laughing, always smiling...which in turn is such a rewarding friendship to me; because I can't help but laugh and smile with them.
-they teach me new handshakes. awesome.
-it is impossible to do anything without spilling water or some sort of food product. (especially when making giant pizzas.)
-i learn so much from them. even the smallest things...like enjoying friendships and finding joy in little things.

-quiet and calm? i don't understand what those words mean. this, i love.



I'm on an intramural basketball team with some girls on my hall and soccer team. Don't you worry, we are AWFUL. I can't shoot a basketball for the life of me and when I do, I rarely make it. And I'm not much better at defense either. All in all, I'm a REALLY bad basketball player. Nonetheless, I make up for it with my hair-do, Jesus still loves me, and I've enjoyed the sweet sweet fellowship with these ladies!





OH AND ALSO! I thought that with it being a new year and all, I would post a few goals, if you must, for the next year:

-play more than four minutes of a varsity Soccer game.
-pray alone, outloud, everyday.
-learn road names on the mountain. (so that when j high students give me directions to their house, I can get there in less than hour FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE.)
-call home once a week.
-learn to drive in the snow.
-rejoice in the lord ALWAYS.
-own a pair of chacos. (i know, don't hate...)
-encourage my roomates, hallmates, and teamates.
-spend more time, outside church activities, with Junior high students.
-SURVIVE chow. (ha, NOT happening!)
-run the river run!
-get a summer internship job.
-learn to be a gentle person.
-read a children's book once a week...with no children present.

craft. play. eat. sleep. REPEAT.

It happened. For the first time in my whole life, I had school canceled...BECAUSE OF SNOW. I left home a day early to beat a snow storm that was supposed to hit Lookout Mountain...little did I know that school would be completely canceled that whole week...which meant that I was trapped on top of a snowy mountain with all my friends. Yes, (in case you were wondering) it was extremely exciting to me. Everyday, after playing in the snow, when school was canceled for the next day I ran up and down the hall screaming...typical Florida girl, obviously. Anyways, it was such a blessing and times of firsts for me...sledding, snow angels, stopping through the snow. You get the picture! What a fun start to the semester and fellowship with my friends!